Please note that these are not mine, but they are ones that I use for my voice mail. Once a week, I change my voice mail to a new one. Mostly because everyone who calls my phone loves to hear them.
Hey, the deuschbag you called? Yeah, he's really here, he's just screening his calls right now. So you can leave a message and see if he deems you important enough to call back, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.
Can't get to the phone right now, but leave a message if you're a hot chick. If you're not a hot chick, but you know some hot chicks, leave their name and number and I'll call them back. I'll tell them ugly sent me. And if you're a dude, how the hell did you get my number?
Hello. I'm available to talk right now but can't seem to find my phone at the moment. Please leave a message and I'll call you up as soon as I find it.We're sorry, but the number you dialed, 555-555-5555 is disconnected or no longer in service. The new number
is 555-555-5555. (Same number) Please make a note of it.
Hello, you have reached the number you have dialed. I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. So, wait by your phone until I call you back. Otherwise, take the hint.
Hello, this is Wolfe. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.
Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff
around.) Okay, what would you like me to tell me?
Geeze man, it's about time you called me. But guess what? Now I'm not available to talk to you, way to go. Leave me a message and at my next opportunity, I'll call ya.
This is you-know-who. And if you don't, than you got the wrong number. So even though I can't talk to you right now, you can still talk to me. Or at least pretend to so that you don't look stupid to everyone who's watching you listen to this message. And the sad part of all this, is that you're probably looking around right now to see if anyone really is looking at you.
know what I hate about voicemail messages? They go on and on, wasting
your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "I'm not in, leave
a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I
pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through
another long answering machine message when you call me. Never again will you have to sit through my mind numbingly funny attempts to have a clever and witty message. Nor will you ever have to... Beep.
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. And since I'm giving you a beep, guess what you get to do.
Hello, this is Death. I'm not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know
how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
No! No! Not that! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AHHHHHHH!
you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My
owner does not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and the carpets are
clean. He gives to charity at the office and doesn't need his picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number
and he will get back to you.
Hello... do you ever get one of those voice mails where someone says "Hello!", and there's a
long pause, so you think you're talking to an actual person. Then you
begin speaking, and after you say about two words you hear, "we can't
come to the phone right now.” Man I really hate that! You'll be glad to know that this isn't one of those messages. This one is more creative and much more annoying.
Sorry I'm not in right now. I'm so disappointed to be missing your
grouching and complaining about how your confused as to why I'm ignoring your calls. To speak to somebody who has it so much harder than you,
please press 1. To speak to God to repent for calling me an asshole last time we spoke, please press 7. To speak to the Devil who will
soon be welcoming you home, please press 666. Thank you and have a
and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline... If you are obsessive
compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co dependent, please ask someone to
press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and
6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. So stay
on the line and we'll find you. If you are delusional, please press 7 and
your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are
schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you what
number to press. If you are dyslexic, please press 696969. If you have a
nervous disorder, please mess with the pound key until the beep. If you
have short term memory loss, please try your call again later. And if
you have no self esteem, please hang up now, because no one wants to talk to you.
Hi, I'm not in right now to take your call. If you would like to leave a
message, please press # then press 3. Then dial your name, then press 6. Then
dial your number, then press * followed by dialing 97, ask for extension 4434, then
leave your name and message. If you would like to leave your number,
enter the time you called. Please press * twice, bark like a dog, spin
in a complete circle, press 1 26 times, then wait for the beep. And thank you for using voice mail hell.
Hello everyone, due to my extreme ADD and unyielding curiosity, I have
decided to turn off my phone. My doctor told me the best way to handle
my disorder is to put myself on a steady diet of only checking and
responding to messages twice daily at 12:00 PM and 4:00 PM, until my
debilitating conditions improve. I wanted to you let you know this
right off the bat to avoid future complications. Sorry, doctor's
orders! If you absolutely need assistance that cannot wait until either 12:00 PM or 4:00 PM (and please make sure that it's
contact my assistant, Diane at 313-915-9016. My doctor also said I
have a better chance of beating this disorder if I receive motivational
letters and monetary donations. Feel free to send both to my home