Please wipe your paws at the door


Herein are the contents of random crap that is being posted here just because I can.

Voice Mail Messages

Please note that these are not mine, but they are ones that I use for my voice mail.  Once a week, I change my voice mail to a new one.  Mostly because everyone who calls my phone loves to hear them.

Hey, the deuschbag you called?  Yeah, he's really here, he's just screening his calls right now.  So you can leave a message and see if he deems you important enough to call back, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.

Can't get to the phone right now, but leave a message if you're a hot chick.  If you're not a hot chick, but you know some hot chicks, leave their name and number and I'll call them back.  I'll tell them ugly sent me.  And if you're a dude, how the hell did you get my number?

Hello.  I'm available to talk right now but can't seem to find my phone at the moment.  Please leave a message and I'll call you up as soon as I find it.

We're sorry, but the number you dialed, 555-555-5555 is disconnected or no longer in service.  The new number is 555-555-5555.  (Same number)  Please make a note of it.

Hello, you have reached the number you have dialed.  I'm probably home.  I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Selected callers will get to talk to me live.  Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.  So, wait by your phone until I call you back.  Otherwise, take the hint.

Hello, this is Wolfe.  I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.  Hang on a second while I get a pencil.  (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)  Okay, what would you like me to tell me?

Geeze man, it's about time you called me.  But guess what?  Now I'm not available to talk to you, way to go.  Leave me a message and at my next opportunity, I'll call ya.

This is you-know-who.  And if you don't, than you got the wrong number.  So even though I can't talk to you right now, you can still talk to me.  Or at least pretend to so that you don't look stupid to everyone who's watching you listen to this message.  And the sad part of all this, is that you're probably looking around right now to see if anyone really is looking at you.

You know what I hate about voicemail messages?  They go on and on, wasting your time.  I mean, all they really need to say is, "I'm not in, leave a message."  That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short.  I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.  Never again will you have to sit through my mind numbingly funny attempts to have a clever and witty message.  Nor will you ever have to... Beep.

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.  And since I'm giving you a beep, guess what you get to do.

Hello, this is Death. I'm not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

No! No! Not that! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AHHHHHHH!

Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving messages.  My owner does not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and the carpets are clean.  He gives to charity at the office and doesn't need his picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and he will get back to you.

Hello... do you ever get one of those voice mails where someone says "Hello!", and there's a long pause, so you think you're talking to an actual person.  Then you begin speaking, and after you say about two words you hear, "we can't come to the phone right now.”  Man I really hate that!  You'll be glad to know that this isn't one of those messages.  This one is more creative and much more annoying.

Hi, Sorry I'm not in right now.  I'm so disappointed to be missing your grouching and complaining about how your confused as to why I'm ignoring your calls.  To speak to somebody who has it so much harder than you, please press 1.  To speak to God to repent for calling me an asshole last time we spoke, please press 7.  To speak to the Devil who will soon be welcoming you home, please press 666.  Thank you and have a wonderful day!

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline...  If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.  If you are co dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.  If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.  If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.  So stay on the line and we'll find you.  If you are delusional, please press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.  If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you what number to press.  If you are dyslexic, please press 696969.  If you have a nervous disorder, please mess with the pound key until the beep.  If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.  And if you have no self esteem, please hang up now, because no one wants to talk to you.

Hi, I'm not in right now to take your call.  If you would like to leave a message, please press # then press 3.  Then dial your name, then press 6. Then dial your number, then press * followed by dialing 97, ask for extension 4434, then leave your name and message.  If you would like to leave your number, enter the time you called.  Please press * twice, bark like a dog, spin in a complete circle, press 1 26 times, then wait for the beep.  And thank you for using voice mail hell.

Hello everyone, due to my extreme ADD and unyielding curiosity, I have decided to turn off my phone.  My doctor told me the best way to handle my disorder is to put myself on a steady diet of only checking and responding to messages twice daily at 12:00 PM and 4:00 PM, until my debilitating conditions improve.  I wanted to you let you know this right off the bat to avoid future complications.  Sorry, doctor's orders!  If you absolutely need assistance that cannot wait until either 12:00 PM or 4:00 PM (and please make sure that it's urgent), please contact my assistant, Diane at
313-915-9016.  My doctor also said I have a better chance of beating this disorder if I receive motivational letters and monetary donations. Feel free to send both to my home address.

A Man Should...

A man should not show any signs of weakness in front of the enemy.
A man's appearence is a very personal choice.
A man ought to protect his own home.
A man should not give up, not till the very end.
A good sleep gives a man great comfort.
A man must fight for his good and true friend.
A man should not have to make excuses.
A man should always keep his eye on the enemy, it is imperitive.
A man should take responsibility for actions that are his fault.
A man does not desert a friend.
A man should never expect to be thanked.
A man should never use a womans love for his own gain.
A woman shouldn't be so eager for a man to approach her.
If a man has good intentions, he should not expect thanks.
Words are not the only way to express appreciation.
A man who is too eager becomes unfavorable.
A man shouldn't sweat the small stuff.
A man shouldn't back away from the fear that lies in front of him.
A man should try hard and always do his best at work and never be concerned with what the outcome may be.
A man should always remain calm even in a moment of crisis.
A man should always be guided by the light of hope even in the darkest of situations.
A man should not procrastinate on any task that lies before him.
A man should not complain about his work in front of others.
A man must always strive to remain tough.
A real man never has to rely on a weapon for strength.
A woman who is modest is a woman who has a heart of gold.
A man must do what he needs to do, regardless of anything else.
A man should not be so stubborn that he is blind to stupidity.
A man should not be afraid to explore the unknown.
A man should respect anothers nervousness.
A man shouild learn how to go with the flow.
A man should never shed tears for his sadness, a man cries instead for a kindness.


Happy Birthday Jackass, you're one year closer to death. Why don't you have some cake and speed the process up?

Pop a Poppler in your mouth when you come to Fishy Joe's. What they're made of is a mystery, where they come from no one knows. You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, you can chew 'em, you can stick 'em. If you promise not to sue us, you can shove one up your nose.