Salutations

Please wipe your paws at the door

Welcome to OnStar

Introduction

Welcome to the glorious life of an OnStar Advisor.  Where we know what a true idiot is.  I can honestly say that I hate stupid people.  But, I love the stupid people, who do not know that they are stupid.  For example, when someone tries to tell you something, and they are pulling everything right out of their ass.  You know that they are lying, but you let them keep going, just to see how stupid they can make themselves look.  Well, I get those people daily.  I have yet to go a single day without getting at least 20 of them.  Most of these idiots are not worth mentioning.  But, every now and then, there is that one idiot that shines above the rest.

 

In order to keep things simple, and because you are reading this to hear what I have to say (or you were really bored and have nothing better to do), I am going to start from the beginning.

 

When getting directions from OnStar; do not make up your own directions.  I am providing you with the directions to your destination, stop telling me to go different ways.  If you know how to get there, don't ask us.  Furthermore, do not ask us for directions, then ask someone else that you are driving past, for the same directions that we are trying to provide you with.  If you have directions from MapQuest, a GPS system in your vehicle, cell phone, friend or passenger, or even from the random person you asked on the street, then don't ask us for directions.  If you do not like our directions, do not call us back and ask for them again, when you are just going to ask someone else.

 

Do not tell me you want the fastest route possible, and then contradict the route that I am providing you.  What the system gives, are the fastest routes possible, based on your vehicle's current location from the moment you pressed the button.  Do not tell me that there is a faster way to get there, because there isn't.  Do not tell me about a back way in that is faster, if it was, the system would show it.  There may be a more convenient way, with fewer maneuvers, but there is not a faster way there. I am OnStar, I know the fastest way to get somewhere.  Now, if you want to calculate in traffic, then you can do that on your own, because at this point in time, that is not an available option to OnStar.

 

The OnStar system is simple, there are three buttons.  To protect the stupid, those buttons are;


White Phone button: Used to initiate phone calls and a few other commands that are explained in the user manual.  While the system is in use, it will disconnect calls.

Blue OnStar button: Used to contact an OnStar advisor so that you may ask for assistance.  While the system is in use, it will start the "Memo Record" function.

Red Emergency button: Used for emergency situations, at the subscribers discretion. 

While the system is in use, it will place another emergency call...  I have no idea why.

 

If you want to record the directions, wait for the advisor to tell you when to start the recording.  It is rude to do it on your own, just because you know how to push a button.  Even more so if you press it in the middle of when the advisor is talking to you.  If the advisor is anything like me (and consider yourself lucky as hell if they are not) they are going to start asking you multiple other questions and avoid giving you the directions, just because you are impatient.  At which point, whenever I feel like it, I will then ask you if you want to record the directions, already knowing full well your answer.  Go ahead, push that button before I tell you to and let's see what else I can manage to do to you. 

"Hello, China?"

Do not attempt to hang up on me, especially if you do not know enough to press the white phone button.  Disconnecting the call is done by pressing the white phone button and ONLY the white phone button.  Pressing the blue OnStar button will start the "memo record" feature and by pressing it, it just makes you look stupid.  Although, it does give the advisors something to laugh about, because we like to count how many "beepers" we can get in one day.  My current record is 38; closest challenger so far is 31. 

Furthermore, do not hang up on me after I have provided you service, which is just rude.  Advisors may offer you something that is normally not allowed, just because you are nice.  Advisors reward courteous behaviors, even if you do not notice it, notes are left on the account for other advisors to see.  Rude comments will be flagged and noticed.  If you are flagged, old comments are reviewed.  Allow the advisor to disconnect the call for you, because they may have something important to tell you.  Such as, please make sure to make an appointment with your dealer to have that recall addressed.  Or that your phones minutes are expiring soon.  Hell, they might even be trying to tell you that there was an explosion nearby and you might not want to stick around for too long because the fumes can have the potential chance of killing you.  Wait, one less idiot around...?  Never mind my previous statement.

If pushing the button to hang up, does not work the first, second, or third time you push it; it's probably not going to work the following fourth, fifth, sixth, or seventh time.  Although, it might work the eighth time, so keep on pushing buttons.  On the same note, pressing the red Emergency button, to hang up a call, is just plain stupid, all on its own.

We cannot fix your radio.  We cannot fix your heater/air conditioning.  We cannot inflate your tires for you.  We cannot remote start your vehicle.  We cannot turn off the vehicle if it is stolen, nor would we just because you call us and want us to.  So stop asking.  We can however, point and laugh at you.  Even if you cannot see us pointing, take my word for it, we are.

OnStar has this nifty little feature called a Global Positioning System (GPS) installed into the vehicle.  It tells us exactly where you are, when you key press in.  So as a courtesy to the advisor, stop telling them where you are when you need directions.  We already know where you are and in most cases (anytime you want Turn-by-Turn directions) it is completely unnecessary.

OnStar is a great service, however, there are some things that OnStar cannot do, and you need to stop asking.  OnStar does NOT have movie show times.  OnStar does NOT have hotel star ratings.  OnStar does NOT have business hours of operation.  OnStar does NOT start the vehicle remotely for you.

Now, with all of that in mind, you also need to understand that our system covers the entire United States of America.  This includes Alaska and Hawaii, as well as Canada.  If by some chance you want directions or a phone number to a business that is not listed in the system, you need to realize that with businesses and residential homes being built all the time, it is hard to make sure that every single address and phone number is accurate.  We have three locations that provide directions for two countries.  That means, we can have anywhere from about 200-600 people on phones trying to answer your call.  So, if there is a small wait, BE PATIENT!  Because the next person I decide to hang up on, might be you.

We have also never had residential names nor phone numbers stored in our system, because a home can be sold 4 times in a year and it is pointless to try and keep up with it.  Not to mention, residential information is not a service that we offer, for security reasons.  So stop lying and telling us that you got the phone number last time you called in.  Our system logs every call, automatically, and we can see that you are lying to us.  This just encourages me to hate you all the more.

OnStar is constantly updating the system, but it is possible that a few companies and residential homes address locations have slipped past.  It happens, everyone makes mistakes and as much as I know you are going to hate to hear it, OnStar is not perfect.

*Gasp*

Has the world ended?  OnStar is run by human beings and is not perfect?  Whatever will you do...?

... ... ...

Moving on...

Explanation


The following are going to be abbreviated mostly because I am retyping all of this from a printed version that I managed to finagle out of there before I quit.  So this is an explanation of what it means and how to read it (to help protect the stupid).

Advisor is me, unless otherwise stated.
Subscriber is the customer, or the person/idiot who is calling (depending on my mood).
If there is someone else speaking, that name will be included in full for the first time they speak, then shortened in the same method.
(Anything in parenthesis is my commentary, thoughts I had at that time, or just extra information.)

The standard version;

Advisor: Are you currently moving or stationary?
Subscriber: I'm stationary, heading South.
(Commentary: Kinda missed the point there, huh chief?)

The shortened version;
A: Are you currently moving or stationary?
S: I'm stationary, heading South.
(Kinda missed the point there, huh chief?)

Simple, right?  ...yeah, right.

NOTE


The names are not necessarily the original names of the callers (or locations).  Many names have been changed, in order to protect the stupid.

And so, it begins;

Call Logs

A: What is the address you are trying to get to?
S: My brother's house.
A: What is his address?
S: I don't know, it's off the expressway.
A: Which expressway?
S: The one closes to his house.
A: I need to know which expressway.
S: THE EXPRESSWAY!
(Great, because I'm psychic and I know your brother.)

S: I'm looking for the nearest Boston Market.
A: I have one located near the toll road.
S: I don't want to take the toll road.
A: Not a problem, I have another Boston Market located not too far from your current location.
S: Can you get me one close to the toll road?
(What?)

For the next call; ## represents an expressway number, where the numbers are not relevant so they were not recorded.
S: I want to take the interstate ## to interstate ## and then take that to interstate ## and over to interstate ## to get to my destination.
A: ... ... ...
(Inputting address and nothing else.)
A: I've set up your route to your destination. Once we disconnect, Turn-by-Turn navigation will begin.
(Our system is not designed to give you your own directions.  Our system is designed to give you OUR directions.)

A: Sir, you need to take exit number 267 A, as in apple.
(Looking at the location from the key press, he pretty much would have passed it by now.)
A: You may have already passed it up, so if you would like, I can update your location and Ö
S: Don't worry about it, let's just record the directions and I'll figure it out.
(Right, good luck with that.)

S: We need directions to the nearest hospital.
A: (This guy is way out in the boonies) I show that the nearest hospital to your vehicles current location is 24 miles away.
S: Isnít there one close?
A: Sorry, no.  The next closest one is almost 50 miles away.
S: Never mind, we'll head back home.
(Yeah, we got a severed arm here, but it's cool, we got some ice, it should be fine.)

S: I've talked to two advisors already and neither of them can find Scharmonicks road. Can you find it?
A: Can you spell that for me?
S: (Spells the road entirely)
A: I have searched the entire state of New Jersey and I do not have a listing for that road or anything similar to it.
S: Are you sure?
(No, I'm not.  But after searching Google, long after he called, it is spelled Chamonix.  Where the hell did he get his spelling from?)

S: Can you tell me how to get to Wood Ranch in Camarillo, California?
A: I have located that destination, are you currently moving or stationary?
S: I just need their phone number.
(Then why ask me how to get there?)

S: I'm looking for Center street in Matawan, New Jersey.
A: I've located Center street and I show that you need to head North on Main street.
S: No, that's not right. That's in the opposite direction of where I'm heading right now. I know I'll remember it when I see it.
A: I show that you have to take Main street to get to Center street.
S: No, this whole area's grown up from what I remember. Oh well, you probably won't be able to help me then. Thank you.
(You are completely right.  Why would the guy, who you pay to give you directions, be able to help you?)

S: I think I missed my turn somewhere.
A: Okay, just one moment while I pull up your previous route.
S: What? Why?
A: In order to find out if you missed your turn, I have to know where you are going.
S: Interstate 4!
A: Okay, just one moment while I search my map for Interstate 4.
S: Alright.
A: I show that you need to continue heading North on Interstate 75 for about 40 miles.
S: What? No, that ain't right. I just passes it.
A: Just one moment while I follow Interstate 4 back to Interstate 75.
S: Fine
A: Alright, I show that you need to head South on Interstate 75 for about 30 miles...
S: What? No, you're wrong. I just passed it by like, 5 miles. I'm gonna pull over and get a map. You're doing something wrong. I just passed it by 5 miles.
A: Thank you for using OnStar.
(I wish I could see the look on your face when you realize just how stupid you are.)

S: Can you get me to the Outer Bridge?
A: I do not have a listing for an Outer Bridge.
S: What about somewhere near there?
A: ... ... ...
S: You know what, why don't I just give you my address?
(Yeah, why don't you?)

S: Can you get me to Cheddars restaurant?
A: One moment.. I have located Cheddars Casual Cafe. Is this the correct location?
S: No
A: Okay, what kind of restaurant is Cheddars?
S: A food restaurant!
(Apparently he was not aware that restaurants sell food, and I wanted to know what type of food restaurant they are. Since we have none in Michigan.)

S: I need to find the nearest FedEx and Kinkos to my current location.
A: Just one moment while I search my database.
S: Okay, I'm sitting in a parking lot right now.
A: Do you see Main street from that parking lot?
S: Yes, it's right in front of me.
A: Okay, look across the street and you should be able to see the store.
S: Oh...I, uh...
(Yeah, you should have.  I have now located the nearest optometrist to your current location.)

S: I'm trying to get to Outback Steakhouse in New Bern, but I don't want to go across the bridge.
A: I have located the Outback Steakhouse in New Bern and I show the only way to get there is to take the bridge.
S: Okay, how do I do that?
(Get into auto-vehicular-machine and go vroom-vroom over bridge.)

S: I need the phone number Moose Lodge in Glen Burnie.
A: I have a Moose Lodge in Sparrows Point and Annapolis but not in Glen Burnie.
S: Never mind, I have their number.
(Good, then leave me alone.)

S: I need to get to East Village in New York.
A: I do not have a listing for that city.
S: It's a nickname, you know what? Never mind, I know how to get there.
(Then... why are you calling me?)

S: The 'Change Oil' light turned on. What does that mean?
A: It means that you need to change the oil as soon as possible,
S: Okay, I'll do it Monday.
(Bare in mind, today is Saturday and there is plenty of time left in the day to get an oil change.)

S: We're trying to get to Six Flags in Helena.
A: (They're 0.1 miles away) Okay, all you have to do is look left.
S: Oh my God, how did you do that?
(I am a demon who possesses the power to move continents and souls, from one location to the other by... utilizing... my, uh... you know what?  It's just easier to say "because you're an idiot," that's how.)

Actual case comments that were to be left on the account:
Sub is having issues with his DIC and declined CAC
(DIC is Digital Information Center and CAC is Customer Assistance Center.  Just say it out loud and see if anyone snickers.)

S: I need to get to Peachtree Industrial Boulevard.
A: Okay, I show that you need to stay straight on this road. It will change names three times before you get to Peachtree Industrial Boulevard.
S: Can I turn down another street?
(Only if you don't want to get there.)

S: Can you tell me the fastest way to get to Glebe street?
A: (I read her the entire set of directions on how to get there quickly)
S: Doesn't Interstate 395 go to Glebe?
A: Yes, but that will approximately add an additional 20 minutes to your total driving time.
S: Okay, so I can take 395 straight there, thanks.
(What happened to wanting the fastest route?)

S: I'm trying to find (some address) on Ball road.
A: (Searches) I show that you are .026 miles away.
S: Where is it?
(You're standing in their front yard, genius!)

A: Would you like to record these directions?
S: Yes
A: Whenever you're ready, go ahead and press the blue OnStar button.
S: ... (ACW)
(ACW means After Call Work, the Sub just pressed the white button.)
(Because, you know, the white phone button and the blue OnStar button look sooo similar.)

A: Is there anything else I can assist you with?
S: Corn beef sandwich, heavy on the mustard.
A: We're still working on that. The mustard keeps expiring, but the meat stays fresh.
(Seriously, why would you ask me that?)

S: Wow, this is really cool, how do you guys always know where I'm at?
A: We have a really tall tower and really strong binoculars.
S: Woah... really?
(Yes really.  And gullible is not in the dictionary.)

A: OnStar Center, this is Wolfe.  How can I assist you today?
S: Call
A: If you would like to place a call, all you have to do is press the white phone button and issue that command again.
S: *Beep*
A: I will disconnect the call for you.
S: (ACW)
(Never mind)

A: My cigarette lighters aren't working; can you run a diagnostic for me?
S: The GM Good Wrench Remote Diagnostics Probe will not check the cigarette lighters.
A: Can it check the fuses for my cigarette lighter?
(This guy must be dying for a smoke.)

S: I'm looking for the Center Street Grill.
Woman in car: Center Street Deli.
A: I have located the Center Street Cafe.
Both: Oh...
(Rock beats stupid people, I win.)

S: Do you want to run a diagnostics on my phone?
A: (Not really) I can perform the GM Good Wrench Remote Diagnostics Probe on your vehicle.
S: No, not my car.  My cell phone.
A: Okay, if you are having issues with your cell phone, you would actually need to contact your service provider.
S: You guys are my service provider.
A: Are you referring to the Hands Free Calling unit inside your vehicle?
S: Yeah, they was supposed to do it earlier, but I didn't have the time.
A: I do apologize, but at the moment our technical assistance team is closed.
S: Alright, I'll hold.
A: ... ... ...
A: Sir, they are currently closed.
S: So, you can't transfer me?
(Oh, wait, yeah, I can transfer you to our closed department, please hold.)

S: I want the nearest Mobil gas station to my current location.
A: I show there is a Mobil about 3 miles southwest of your location.
S: No, Iím heading east; find me one closer in that direction.
A: The next closest gas station that is east of your location is about 22 miles away.
S: No, I need one closer than that.
A: The only gas station that is closer is the one that is 3 miles in the other direction.
S: Why?
(Because it is all a conspiracy against you, and itís working.)

S: I want to get to this location (gives destination).
A: I have set up the route for you and once we disconnectÖ
S: No, no, no.  We already have that route you gave us; we want to know why youíre sending us so far out of our way.
A: How do you mean?
S: We got directions from map Quest and its takiní us a different way from what you are.
A: Our directions are going to take you the fastest route possible based on your vehicles current location from the moment of key press.  Map Quest will give you the shortest route possible with the fewest directions, starting at the predetermined location that you provided.  You may be taken a little bit out of the way to be put on the expressway, but it will get you to your location faster.
S: WellÖ your service sucks.
A: Thank you for using OnStar.
*Disconnect*
(How old are we?  What grade are we in?)

S: I need the phone number to Macyís.
A: What city is that in?
S: Florida.
A: No, what city?
S: Florida.
(I quit)

S: *Beep* *Boop* *Beep* *Boop* *Beep* *Boop*
A: OnStar Center, how can I assist you today?
S: *Beep* *Boop* *Beep* *Boop* *Beep* *Boop*
S: Sorry, I trying to turn it off.
A: I will disconnect the call for you, thank you for using OnStar.
S: *Beep*
(Talk about knowing how to push my buttons)

S: Iím looking for a nearby auto parts store.
A: I have (lists locations).
S: Nothing on Cobb?
A: I have (lists two on Cobb).
S: Never mind, Iíll go to Wal*Mart, thank you.
(Whatever.)

A: Thank you for holding; I understand that you would like to have the GM Goodwrench Remote Diagnostics Probe run on your vehicle.
S: No, I just want the diagnostics.
A: Right, that is what we call the GM Goodwrench Remote Diagnostics Probe.
S: I donít need all that other stuff, just the diagnostics.
(I bet you gradiated the thurd grade too, didnít yeh?)

S: I got a kinda dumb question.  I canít get the key out of the ignition, can you help me with that?
A: The only information that I can provide to you is to ensure that the vehicle is in the ďParkĒ position and attempt to take the key out.
S: I did, oh, wait, there it goes.
(Duhh)

S: Iím looking for the Staten Island Marina.
A: I do not have a listing for a Staten Island Marina.
S: What about Staten Island Yacht?
A: I have a listing for a Staten Island Yacht Club.
S: No, what about a Staten Island Boat Sales?
A: I do have a listing for a Staten Island Boat Sales.
S: No, thatís not it, never mind.
(The name you just asked me for, is not itÖ?)

Not every genius person I speak with is a subscriber; some of them are also employees.  Fortunately for this one, I do not know them personally.
CAC: Thank you for calling the Customer Assistance Center, my name is Ann.  In order to better assist you; can I please have your first and last name and the state you are calling from?
A: My name is Wolfe and I am calling from OnStar on behalf of Mr. Howdy.  He has a question about getting his garage door opener to work.
C: Okay, you can send the customer through whenever you are ready.
A: Thank you for holding Mr. Howdy, I have Ann on the line from the Customer Assistance Center and she is going to assist you in answering any questions you have, specifically regarding your vehicle.  I am going to disconnect from the call, so if you need to get a hold of us again, please do not hesitate to press the blue OnStar button.  And thank you for using OnStar, go ahead Ann.
C: Thank you for holding, my name is Ann.  How can I assist you today Mr. Howdy Wolfe?
(WaitÖ what?)

S: Iím looking for a park in Rochester, Illinois.
A: What is the name of the park?
S: I donít know, I just know itís a community park in Rochester.
A: Okay, one moment while I search the city for that park.
*Searches entire city of Rochester for the community park.*
A: I am sorry, but I do not have any listings for community parks in RochesterÖ
S: Look, I just need you to get me to the city of Rochester!
(Then why are you asking me about some random park?)

S: Iím looking for FM 1518.
A: I show that you need to continue heading South on this road, until you pass Interstate 35, when it will turn into FM 1518.
S: And then what?
A: Thatís it.
S: And then what?
A: And then nothing, that is the road you are looking for.
S: So I keep going straight on here?
A: Correct.
S: And then what?
(Oh, my, GodÖ  DUDE!  Whereís my car!?)

S: Iím looking for the University Swimming Pool.
A: I do not have any listings for that.  Is it possible that it may be known by another name?
S: What?  No, it doesnít.  Thatís what I know it as.
(Who cares what you know it as?  I asked if it ďcouldĒ be known by another name.)

Inbound Phone Call, means the subscriber called in on a landline/cell phone.  Obviously, we do not have their vehicle location since they did not call in FROM their vehicle.  Makes sense, right?
S: Weíre looking for an In & Out Burger.
A: Okay, where are you located?
S: Interstate 5, heading north.
A: What city and state are you in?
S: California.
A: And what city?
Someone else in the vehicle: Did he just ask what city?
S: (ACW)
(Sorry lady, I am not psychic.  Unless you key press in from your vehicle, I have no idea where you are.)

S: I need to transfer my minutes from my old vehicle over to this vehicle.
A: Okay, at the moment, I show that this vehicle is not set up and we need to set up your vehicle before we can transfer minutes.
S: My old vehicle was set up.
A: Right, but this vehicle is not.
S: So what does that mean?
A: (Did I not make it clear the first time?) It means that we have to set up this vehicle before we can transfer your minutes.
S: Okay, fine.
A: One moment while I transfer you to the appropriate team.
S: (ACW)
(What part of this do you not understand?)

S: I need to know how to get to (address listed).
A: Okay, from the moment of key press I show that you are about a quarter mile away.
S: I just need to know which way to turn.
A: You are going to make a right turn onto Pinellas and it will be located on the right hand side.
S: About how far down is it?
(Are you paying attention to this conversation?)

A: Was there anything else I could assist you with today?
S: No.  How many minutes do I have left?
(Shut up old man.)

S: Can you tell me if Iím on New Scotland road?
A: So you are looking for New Scotland road, is that correct?
S: (With an attitude) No, I want to know if Iím ON New Scotland road.
A: From the moment of key press, I show that you are not.
S: Can you tell me how to get to New Scotland road from where I am?
(Didnít I just ask you if you were trying to get there?)

S: Can you tell me if this road Iím on runs next to the ocean?
A: I show that from the moment of key press, you are on Ocean Blvd heading south, and yes, it does.
(Ocean Boulevard, South Padre Island, TX.  Look it up on a map, itíll all make sense.)

S: Can you tell me if Iíve passed 16 mile yet?
A: When you key pressed in, I show that you have passed 16 mile, which is also called Walnut Lake.
S: So if I turn around, will I come back up to it?
(Never.  What world do you live in where turning around would bring you back to it?)

S: I want directions to this address (Lists address).
A: Okay, I have set up that route for youÖ
S: (Interrupts) I donít want the standard route, I want turn by turn directions.
A: Ö okayÖ so you want me to download the directions into the vehicle for you?
S: No, I donít want the standard route; I want you to read me the turn by turn directions.
A: Okay, if you want me to read you the directions, I can provide you the standard routeÖ (Cutoff again).
S: No, I want the turn by turn directions.
A: If you want the turn by turn directions, then I will download them into the vehicle for you.  If you want the standard route, I can read you the directions.
S: Whatís the difference between the two?
(How many times do I have to explain this to you?)
(After setting up the route, and the subscriber wrote down the directions, he read them back.  He got them wrong, almost completely.)

S: Iím trying to get to this address in Oakwood Village, Ohio (lists address).
A: I do apologize, but I do not have a listing for the coty of Oakwood Village in Ohio.  I only have the city of Oakwood in Ohio.
S: Itís Oakwood Village, does that matter?
A: I do not have a listing for that city.
(I actually had to tell her this a couple times.  She was apparently not getting it the first 8 times I said it to her.)

S: Iíd like to get turn-by-turn directions to (lists address) in *mumbles* city.
A: What city was that?
S: *Mumbles*
A: Can you spell that city for me?
S: I have no idea.
(So, how am I supposed to find it?  Statewide search for that address and no city produces 26 addresses.)
A: I have setup your route, thank you for using OnStar.
(I gave him the closest one to his current location.  If he has a problem with that, when he calls back in, we can give him the furthest one.)

S: Iím looking for (lists address) in Windhurst, New Jersey.
A: I do not have a listing for a Windhurst in New Jersey.
S: No, I said Lindhurst, with an L.
(I call BS on that one, I very clearly heard you whistle that W, but, whatever).
A: I do not have a Lindhurst in New Jersey either.
S: What about North Arlington, would it be there?
A: I do not have a listing for that city in our database.
S: Itís there, do your job. *Beep*
A: Okay, and thank you for using OnStar.
(Why donít you try not being an idiot?  I think thatís a better idea.)

S: Can you tell me when the time goes?
A: Ö Ö Ö
(All the time, right up until you die)
A: What exactly are you referring to?
S: When the time is supposed to move?
A: Daylight Savings Time?
S: Yeah.
A: October 28th this year.
S: Okay, thank *beep*
(Considering that we do not offer that kind of information normally, youíd think she could be a little more grateful.)

S: When someone call phone, does it use my minutes?
A: Yes, whenever you use your Hands Free Calling Unit, to either place or receive calls, it uses minutes.
S: So it use minutes when someone call me?
(Okay, maybe that was too complicated for him, let me try again.)
A: Correct.
S: Okay, so when I get call, it takes minutes?
A: (Duh.) Yes.
S: So when someone call my number and is calling me, that uses minutes?
A: Yes, is there anything else I can assist you with tonight?
S: No.  So I get a call andÖ
A: Thank you for using OnStar. *Release*
(He was trying to ask me for a fourth time, but I asked if he needed anything else and he said no.  That gives me the right to hang up on him before his stupidity could continue.

S: My passenger side floorboard is soaking wet, and itís raining outside.  None of the windows are down and no oneís opened the passenger door.
A: So, how can I assist you today?
S: Can you run a diagnostic and tell me where the waterís coming from?
(Well, usually when it rains, it consists mainly of waterÖ  So Iíd have to blame the rain for that one.)

S: Can you pull up my saved route and tell me how much further I have to go?
A: I show that you have about 278 miles to go before you reach your destination.
S: Yeah, but am I heading in the right direction?
(No, you randomly turned around about 9 times and are on the opposite side of the country.)
A: Yes you are.
S: Can you tell me if 365 runs with 71?
A: I show that Interstate 275 runs into Interstate 71, but I do not show an Interstate 365.
S: 365 is what Iím on right now.
A: You are currently on Interstate 275.
S: So does 365 run with 71?
(There is no 365 asshat!)
A: How do you mean?
S: Does it?
A: Does, uhÖ what are you referring to, sir?  I am not sure I understand the question.
S: I could have swore it ran with it, I know it ran all the way there.  Okay, thanks.
A: Ö thank you for using OnStar?
(What the Hell are you talking about!?)

S: Iím trying to get to Wyoming, Michigan.
A: Okay, I understand that you would like directions to the city of Wyoming in Michigan and I willÖ
S: No, I want to get to Wyoming.
A: So you want directions to the state of Wyoming?
S: No.  I am trying to get to Wyoming, in Michigan.
A: So you want directions to the city of Wyoming, in Michigan.
S: No!  I want directions to the street Wyoming!
A: What city is that in?
S: Dearborn.
(Why the Hell didnít you say that in the first place?  Didnít  it click at some point I needed a city and not just a street?)

S: I got a flat tire and I need roadside to bring me a new one.
A: Okay, I can set up roadside assistance for you, but just so you are aware, roadside will not bring a replacement tire.  They can put on your compact spare tire, but they will not bring out a replacement.
S: Well, this has never happened to me before and I need a replacement tire.
A: I understand, but roadside will not bring out a spare tire.  They will only change the tire with your current compact spare tire.
S: (Sarcastic tone) Well, if you could connect me to roadside, I would appreciate it.
A: One moment, please.
(Sub placed on hold, roadside contacted and not yet conferenced into the vehicle.)
Roadside: This is Steve with roadside, how can I assist you today?
(Hand off information is provided to roadside, and then conference is completed.)
 A: Thank you for holding, I have Steve on the line from roadside assistance, he is going to finish setting up the roadside for you and I am going to disconnect from the call.  So if you need to get a hold of us again, please do not hesitate to press the blue OnStar button and thank you for using OnStar.  Go ahead Steve.
(Phone was muted and I stayed on the line to eavesdrop for a bit. Heh heh hehÖ)
R: Thank you OnStar.  I understand that you have a flat tire and would like some roadside assistance.
S: I need a spare tire brought out to me.
R: Iím sorry but our drivers do not carry spare tires with them.
S: Okay, Iíll just call AAA.  Thanks.
(I wish I could have heard the call for AAA when they tell her the exact same thing.  I know they will, because as an OnStar advisor, I talk to them on a daily basis. Ha!)

S: I had received an offer for the diagnostic thing.
A: The OnStar Vehicle Diagnostics e-mail.
S: Yeah, do I need an e-mail to get that?
A: Yes, you do need a valid e-mail address to receive those e-mails.
S: Can I get them without one?
(Yeah, good luck with that.)

When there is a lack of sleep, and the calls are not coming in very steadily, it is not always the subscriber who makes the mistake.  Sometimes, it is hard to remain conscious, and little things tend to slip by.
A: I understand you want to get directions to Anaheim, Florida.
S: No, Anaheim, California.
A: Ö Ö Ö Iím sorry, I meant California.  I have no idea where Florida came from.
S: Thinking about your vacation in Disney?
A: (That sounds like a good excuse, letís run with that) Yeah, Iíll meet you at the Teacups.
(Damn, how did that happenÖ?)

S: A few days ago, someone hit a deer and it flew up into the air and hit my car.  (Cool!)  I brought my car to the dealership to get it fixed and they just replaced the battery.  Today, I just tried to start my car and I canít get it to turn over.
(Did you try getting a few friends to help push?)
A: Iím sorry to hear that (no Iím not), I can go ahead and set up roadside assistance for you.
S: Well, no, I just need you guys to bring me some cigarettes.
A: I do apologize, but that is not a service that we offer.  (Besides, you only have Safe & Sound, I couldnít even give you direction.)  I can go ahead and set up roadside assistance for you though.
S: Well, I donít need you to jump my car; I just need you to bring me some cigarettes.
A: Again, I apologize for the inconvenience but that is not a service that we offer.
S: Well can you tell the guy whoís gonna jump my car to bring me some cigarettes?
A: They wonít be able to bring you cigarettes.
S: Then can they at least tow my car to the store and then tow it back?
(Holy crap lady, NO!  Itís not like youíll die without your smokes.  In fact, you might actually live longer without them.)
A: No, they will not.
S: This is a $50,000 vehicle.  You should do something.
(Yeah, and you wrecked that $50,000 vehicle, what do you think itís worth now?)
A: (Maybe it was worth that much in 2003, new.)  Thatís not a service that we offer.
S: Well, fuck you.  I shoulda bought a Ford.
A: (Thatís not a service that they offer either.)  Thank you for using OnStar.
(And here I thought the guy who couldnít get his cigarette lighter in the car was dying for a smoke.)

S: Can you tell me where the intersection of King Street and Duke Street is?
A: I show that those streets run parallel to each other.
S: Oh, well, can I get Turn-by-Turn directions to King Street?
A: I show that if you take a left turn down any street coming up, it is two blocks north of you.
S: Oh, uh, okay.  Thanks.
(And if you keep heading east, you can drive right off the pier down at the docks.)

Some of our female advisors have the unfortunate pleasure of dealing with some unscrupulous characters.  Not all of them are obvious; but sometimes, you can just tell where itís going.
[Sub calls in and is advised that his not-so-new car isnít upgradeable to the new digital service.  Unfortunately for him, fortunately for us.]
S: You have a very nice voice, what are you doing working for OnStar?  You know those erotic lines?  Youíd make a whole lot more money.
A: (Trying to sidestep the minefield) My life is bad, but itís not that bad.
S: So what do we do now?
A: What?
S: So where are you? North Carolina?
A: Um, noÖ Michigan.
S: What part?
A: (Lying through her teeth) Northeast.
S: Grand Rapids?
A: No, other side.
S: Detroit?
A: No, northeast.
S: Can I have your number at least?
A: No.
S: Come on, letís hook up!  You can head across the border, or I can come across and we can hook up?
A: I donít think your wife would appreciate that Ė and these calls are recorded.
S: Oh, my wife, sheís very open minded, she is.
A: (ACW)
(What the hell was that?)

S: I trying to make dialing call, but it tell me have to say number.  I canít.  Iím driving.
A: Ö Ö Ö
A: In order to place a phone call, you just need to press the white phone button and say ďdial.Ē  You will then say the phone number, starting with the area code.  And the system will dial the number for you.
S: I canít, Iím driving.
A: If you want to place a call, you have to press the white phone button and say the number.
S: I canít!
S: (ACW)
(So, you canít say a phone number, because youíre driving.  But you ARE able to press the button to connect to me, argue with me, and then press the other button to hang up?)

S: A few days ago (Sunday), I called in for some directions.  Now, Iím at my destination and I donít need the directions anymore.  Can you cancel those for me?
A: All you have to do to cancel the directions, that were downloaded into the vehicle for you, is press the white phone button and say ďcancel route.Ē
S: Thatís it?
A: (Amazing, I know) Yes.
(What made this call funny?  Today is Thursday.  She waited four days before she decided she wanted the directions cancelled.)

A: OnStar Center, this is Wolfe speaking.  How can I assist you today Mr. Smith?
S: I need some directions to (lists address).
A: One moment while I pull up that information.
S: OkayÖ soÖ whatícha weariní?
A: Excuse me?
S: Whatícha got on right now?
A: I have set up that route for you, thank you for using OnStar. *Release*
(What the hell was that?  That was a dude!)

A: OnStar Center, this is Wolfe speaking.  How can I assist you today Mrs. Julia?
S: Hello, my name is Julia and Iím calling from Sicklerville, New Jersey.  And Iím heading North on Johnson.  And I need you to assist me.
A: (Well, duh.  I kinda guessed that from the fact that you pressed the OnStar button and now Iím talking to you.)  How can I assist you today?
S: I need some information on the Legal Aid Society in Louisville, Kentucky.
A: Okay, I have located the Legal Ais Society on Muhammad AliÖ
S: Yeah, thatís them.  Whatís their phone number?
(If that was all you wanted, why in the world are you telling me your location?)

S: We need the directions to Kempsville, building 15.
A: What city is that in?
S: Chesapeake, Virginia.
A: And what was the address you are trying to get to?
S: Building 15.
A: But, what is the address, for that building?
S: Uhh, can you just get us to Kempsville?
(Good luck, thatís all I can say.)

S: Iím trying to make a phone call and I cannot get this system to understand me.
A: Okay, I do apologize for that inconvenience.  I will be more than happy to assist you in getting the system to work.  Now, when you press the white phone button, and the system responds with ďOnStar Ready,Ē after you say ďdial,Ē how do you say the number to the system?
S: Oh, Iím forgetting to say dial.
(Mind link: Down Ė Reason: Lack of mind, unable to connect)

S: Iím trying to get to the address of three-thousand ninety-four (street name deleted).
A: Okay.  You said you want directions to three zero nine four.  Is that correct?
S: No, 3. 0. 0. 9. 4.
(You said; 3,094.  I know this for a fact, because these calls are RECORDED!)

S: I wanna get directions.
A: I do apologize, but at the moment, I show that you only have the Safe & Sound package and in order to receive directions you will need to upgrade to the Directions & Connections package.  Is that something you would be interested in doing today?
S: Well, canít I get a trial route?
A: With the Safe & Sound package, you aer granted one trial route and I show that you have already used that trial route.
S: Well, can I get another?  I mean, Iím not sure if I want to pay for it if I wonít use it.
(Guess what?  You already used it once, now you want to use it again.  If you pay for it, I guarantee you will use it more.)
A: Unfortunately, I show that you have already received three routes.  (Whoops, looks like youíve used it more than once ALREADY!  Guess that means you WOULD use it if you ACTUALLY paid for it.)  So I am unable to offer you any more unless you choose to upgrade your service.
S: So you mean that if I Ö *Beep* Ö mutha-fucker.
(Ha ha ha!  Oh, really?)
A: Thank you for using OnStar and you have yourself a great day. *Release*
(I wonder if he was surprised that he didnít hang up on me.  I really wish I could have seen his face.)

Landline Call
S: Yeah, my wife got a blowout and I donít know where she is.
A: Is she in her Impala right now?
S: Yes.
A: Okay, you are going to have to tell her to press her OnStar button so that we can get her location.
(Uh, duhÖ)

S: So, my truck rolled down a hill and hit a tree.
(HA HA HA! Oh my God, I canít breatheÖ!)
A: Are there any injuries in the vehicle?
S: No, I was in the house.  I looked outside and my truck wasnít there.  I thought someone was screwing with me and when I looked outside I saw my truck at the bottom of the hill and the backside was all smashed up.
(Wow, that really sucks.  I actually kinda feel sorry for the guy.  Once I stopped laughing.)

S: I have the ďService EngineĒ light is on.  What does that mean?
A: That means that you have to bring the vehicle to your dealership so that they can fix your vehicle.
S: Okay.  When I bring it to them to fix it, will they turn off the light?
(No, theyíre going to fix your car and leave the light on.  If you want them to turn it off, you need to buy a new car.)

S: We called in earlier to have our tire changed and they said it was going to take too long to get someone out to us, so we changed the tire ourselves.  Can you have someone come out to our house and fix the tire for us?
A: I do apologize but that is not a service that roadside offers.
S: Well, can you connect me to them?
A: One moment.
(Connects to roadside.)
A: I have some people on the line that you get to say no to.
R: What?
A: They want roadside to fix their tire.
(Hand-off information provided to roadside.)
R: Okay, you can bring them on the line whenever youíre ready.
(Conference into vehicle.)
A: Thak you for holding, I have Heather from GM roadside on the line for you.  She is going to take over the call from here.
(Phone muted, because, well, you have got to listen to a call like this.)
R: This is heather from GM roadside; I understand that you would like some roadside assistance today.
S: We need you to come out and fix our tire.
R: Iím sorry but we donít repair tires.  If you want we can change the tire and put on your spare tire.
S: Well, do we get some kind of credit?
R: Iím sorry, no.
S: Well, our time is money too.
R: You can try sending a bill to claims, but I canít guarantee anything.
S: How do you do that?
R: I can give you the address.
S: No, Iím driving, I canít write it down.
R: Okay, you can call back at any time to retrieve that information.
(Advisor disconnected call, due to too much laughter.)

S: So when do I use the red button?
A: The red emergency button is used in case of an emergency, should you need for us to contact emergency services on your behalf.
S: So if Iím heading towards a lake, I should push the button?
A: It would be recommended you press the button before you get to the lake, but yes.
S: Oh, so I want to push the button before I get to the lake.
A: It would also be recommended to try to avoid driving into the lake.
S: Ah, good advice. *Sub starts laughing*
A: We cannot guarantee that we would get a signal through the water.
S: So we should get a stronger antenna then, huh?  *Continues laughing*
A: Only if you plan on doing a lot of deep sea diving.
(I liked these people; they were actually fun to talk with.)

A: You need to head south on State Route 19.
S: *Huffs* I need to head south on here?
A: Correct.  Then, it will turn into Bypass road.
S: I donít know where Bypass road is.
A: State Route 19 will turn into Bypass road.
S: Itís going to turn into Bypass?
A: Correct.
S: *Loud sigh*
A: Then you are going to turn onto Lexington and your destination will be located on the right hand side.
S: *Whining* I have to find Lexington!?
A: Yes.
S: Fine *Huffs again.*
(Yeah, keep bitching and whining lady.  Guys find that ďrealĒ attractive.)

S: So, can you tell me how fast Iím going?
A: From the moment of key press I showed you going 68 miles per hour.
S: Wow, cool.  Can you see what Iím doing right now?
A: (What, like we have a camera in the car?)  UhhÖ Sir, that gesture is rather inappropriate.
S: Oh shit, my bad.  I didnítí know you could actually see me.
(Holy crap, he thinks I could actually see him?  I was just jokingÖ)

A: Okay, youíre going to continue on this Interstate for another 5 miles.  When you will take exit number 255 B as in boy which will be located on your left.  Then you will make a right turn onto the main road.
S: So the exitís on the right?
A: The exit will be on your left, then you will make a right turn onto the main road.
S: Uhm, thereís a wall to the left.  I hope thatís gonna stop.
(No, just make sure your seatbelt is properly secured before you hit it.  Duh.)

Some calls, are just worthy of recording.
S: Weíre kinda lost and we were having a hard time getting connected to you.
A: You were probably out where there were no cellular towers available.
S: Yeah, weíre out past Hell on the back ass of the moon.
A: (Laughing too hard to comment.)
S: My buddy and I were debating whether or not you could change the voice of the guy giving you directions.
A: Unfortunately, no.  There is no way to change the voice, but you can take note that when you get directions, it is the man who gives them.  If you go off route, it is the woman who asks I you want new directions.
(Go figure.)

A: Okay, I understand that you wanted the phone number to the Northwest Bank, is that correct?
S: No, itís not ďtheĒ itís just Northwest Bank.
(Ö Ö Ö)

S: I need to get a phone number.
A: I am sorry, but at the moment I show that you only have the Safe & Sound service, which does not include getting directions or phone numbers.  In order to receive this service, you would need to upgrade to the Directions & Connections service.  Is that something that you would be interested in doing today?
S: No.  Could you bend the rules for me, just this once?
A: I show that we have provided this service to you three times, so I am no longer able to provide this service to you.
S: *Beep*
A: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?
S: NO!  Goodbye!  *Beep*
A: Well, thank you for using OnStar and you have a great day.
S: *Beep*
A: I will go ahead and disconnect this call for you.
(I want you to know, that after I hung up on his dumb ass, I was laughing hysterically at him.)

A: OnStar Center, this is Wolfe speaking, how can I assist you today?
S: *Beep* *Boop*
S: *Automated voice* Now connecting to, OnStar Emergency.
S: Oh shit.
(Way to go genius.)

S: Can you download directions to get us through Kansas City?
A: What is your ultimate destination?
S: Weíre heading to Indiana.
A: Any particular city in Indiana?
S: Anderson.
A: Was there an address that you are trying to get to?
S: Yes.
(Why donít you just simplify life and tell me where the Hell you are trying to get to, instead of playing these stupid little games?)

S: Iím in my vehicle and the steering wheel wonít turn.
A: Would you like me to set up roadside?
S: No.  Never mind.
(UhÖ okay?)

S: I need directions to this address on Avon Avenue.
A: I have located that address and set up your routeÖ
S: (Yelling to someone outside the vehicle) Excuse me, my man, whereís Avon Avenue?
Guy outside of car starts yelling back directions.
(This is why we hate New Jersey subscribers.)

S: I have a light on in my vehicle and I want to know what it means.  It says ďOVD.Ē
A: I do apologize but I do not have the specific information about what that indicator light means.  But I can transfer you over to the Customer Assistance Center (CAC) and they can further assist you with that.
S: Okay.
(Transfer is made and completed; I mute my phone instead of disconnecting, because Iím curious what that light is.)
CAC: I understand that you want some more information about the OVD light in your vehicle, is that correct?
S: I already know what it means, itís the OnStar Vehicle Diagnostics light.
C: Ö Ö Ö
S: I know what it means.
C: So what assistance can I offer you today?
S: I want to know what it means.
(I had to hang up after that.)

S: I need you to place a collect call for me.  The last advisor got the number wrong, so letís make sure you get it right this time.  Okay?
(The very first thing you say to me, you say with an attitude?  Oh, this is gunna be fun.)
A: Iím sorry, but I am unable to place the phone call for you.  (So stick that in your tailpipe and smoke it.)
S: The last advisor I talked to did.  Just make the call.
A: Again, I do apologize (but youíre full of shit) but I am unable to place phone calls for you.
S: I just called in and the last person I talked to made the phone call for me.
A: I am sorry, but company policy states that we cannot place personal phone calls for our subscribers.
S: (ACW)
Oh, okay.  I see how you are.  Iím just going to make some little notes on your account.
~ Phonetic Name: Absolutely No More Calls! ~
There we go, now no advisor will place any calls for you, ever again.  Not even in an emergency.  Way to go smart guy!
(I decided to follow up on his account history since it was a slow night.  He key pressed in and spoke to 12 more advisors after me.  Each advisor declined his ďrequest.Ē  The thirteenth advisor sold him some minutes so he could make the call himself.  Wasnít that much easier?)

A: OnStar Center, how can I assist you today?
S: IÖ, I donít know the address of where Iím trying to get to.
A: SoÖ is there anything I can assist you with today?
S: No.
(ThenÖ why are you calling?)

S: Iím so completely lost; I have no idea where I am.  Can you tell me where I need to go?
A: I show that you are about half a mile away; it is right up the road on the right hand side.
S: Oh, really?
(Youíre not lost, youíre just an idiot.)

S: I need the phone number to Catz in Acton, Mass.
A: I do not have a listing for a business with that name.
S: You donít have anything for Catz in Acton?
A: No, nothing is coming up.
S: You donít have Catz? C. A. T. Z.
A: I do not have any listings showing up.
S: Nothing for Catz.
A: Nothing.
S: Itís C. A. T. Z.
(No shit.)
A: There are no results for that.
S: Catz.
A: Nothing.
S: Catz, Catz.
A: (Iím going to start learning how to say no in other languages, apparently this isnít working for me in English.)  Was there anything else I could assist you with?
S: You donít have anything for Catz?
A: No.
S: Itís Catz.
A: (And youíre still an idiot.) I still have nothing.
S: Alright, thank you.
(What part of ďNo,Ē did you not understand?)

A: Did you need to receive directions today?
S: Yes, I need to getÖ toÖ uhÖ
A: What city did you need to get to?
S: University of Maryland Medical Center.
A: What city are you trying to get to?
S: Oh, Baltimore, Maryland.
(Typed in city and state, but I forgot the destination.)
A: And what was your destination in Baltimore?
S: I already said Baltimore.
A: No, where are you trying to get to in Baltimore?
S: Oh, University of Maryland Medical Center.
(All that comes to mind is, duhhhÖ)

S: I need to get to the Post Office in Santa Cruz.
A: Okay, just one moment.
S: I just need to find the one close to me.
A: Alright, so are you looking for the nearest Post Office to your current location or are you looking for one in Santa Crus?
S: Yes please.
(Well, that was nice, but you really didnít answer my question now, did you?)

Landline call
A: OnStar Center, this is Wolfe speaking.  How can I assist you today?
S: Ö Ö Ö
A: OnStar Center, this is Wolfe.
S: Ö Ö Ö
A: Due to no voice response, OnStar will now disconnect.
(Usually if we get no voice response, we call it an Accidental Keypress.  How the hell do you get an Accidental Call?  Even if you butt dialed, there are certain prompts to get to a person.)

A: OnStar Center, this is Wolfe Speaking.
S: *Belch*
A: *Release*
(I win.)

Sometimes I get people who need an attitude adjustment.  I find it to be really funny when the person who needs the adjustment, is not a subscriber, but another advisor.
Transferring work to Enrollment so that the subscriber can set up his account.
A: This is Wolfe from Sub, the VIN number is 1 Golf 3Ö
Enrollment: (With a snooty and sarcastic attitude) Uh, excuse me, what do they need?
A: (What the hell do you think they need?  Youíre ďEnrollment,Ē take a guess.)  They need to have their vehicle set up.  The VIN number isÖ
E: (Same attitude) Could you wait a minute for me to get ready?  *Huffs*
A: (You should have already BEEN ready, but, whatever.) *Waits*
E: Okay, what is the number?
A: (VIN number is read) I am transferring the work to you now.  (Transfer is clicked)
E: (Attitude comes back and she starts yelling) Iím not ready yetÖ
A: (Transfer complete, case closed)  Tough shit.
(Cop an attitude with me, will ya?  It is my job to provide you the VIN and then transfer.  I am not required to wait, you are required to do your job and shut up.)
As it turns out, the person that got an attitude with me told their supervisor, who in turn contacted my supervisor.  It got to be really fun here when my boss came up to me and relayed the complaint.  I told him I wanted the call reviewed, in full.  This meant the other supervisor and person from Enrollment had to all listen to the call together.  Guess who got terminated?  Iíll give you a hint, wasnít me!

S: I need directions.
A: What city is this in?
S: FiveÖ JohnÖ
A: What city, is this in?
S: Massachusetts.
A: What city?
S: Huh?
(Where did I put that TylenolÖ?)

S: I want the phone number to the Pizza Hut in Centerville.
A: I do not show a listing for one in Centerville.
S: What about Dayton?
A: I have 10 listed in Dayton.
S: I want the one on South Main Street.
A: I only have one listed on North Main Street.
S: Well, Iím sitting right here and I can see it.
(Then get your ass out of the damn car and go inside, duh.)
A: The only one that I have listed near your current location is on Dayton Lebanon Pike.
S: Fine, Iíll take that one.
(Take it and love it.)

S: I need directions to the West High School.
A: What city is that in?
S: West Valley.
A: I do apologize, but I do not have a listing for that in our system.
S: You donít have it?
A: No, I do not have a listing for that school in my system.
S: Itís in Salt Lake City.
(Sure, change it up, thatíll helpÖ)
A: I am not showing a listing for that school.
S: You donít have it?
A: No, I do not.
S: Itís in Salt Lake City.
(This is sounding rather familiarÖ)
A: I do not have a listing for it.
S: You donít have it?  Itís in Salt Lake City.
(Lady, youíre starting to sound like a broken record, or would that be corrupted MP3 by todayís standards?)
A: And I still do not have a listing for it.
S: OkayÖ let me call you backÖ they might have a different addressÖ
(Circle the wagon much?)

S: Iím looking for an El Porito in Temecula.
A: I am not showing a listing for that restaurant in that city or the surrounding area.
S: What about any Mexican restaurants?
A: I do have multiple listings for Mexican restaurants within the surrounding area.
Passenger: (Sarcastically) Name one.
A: I have 42 in the city of Temecula.
P: (Quietly) Hang up on him.
S: Oh, wow.  If there are that many, Iím sure we can find one.  Thank you.
(Sometimes, the passengers are the jackasses I want to activate the ďEjectĒ button on.)

S: I need directions to Mercedes Homes in Citrus Valley.
A: I do not have a listing for that business in that city.
S: Try Dunnellon.
A: I have a listing for them in Beverly Hills.
S: Oh yeah, thatís them.  Whatís their phone number?
A: (Phone number provided.)
S: And whatís their address?
A: Would you like me to download the directions into the vehicle for you?
S: No, Iím putting it into my GPS system.
(Why?  I can download them and it would be a lot faster.)
A: Their address is (address given).
S: Wait, let me punch that inÖ okay, what was it again?
(I hate you.)

S: We need to know where the Dillard House is.
A: Okay, what city is that located in?
S: North Carolina or South Carolina.
Passenger: Isnít it in Georgia?
S: I donít know.  Itís in Dillard, North Carolina.
A: Is this the name of a business or a residential home?
S: (With sarcasm oozing through) Itís a res-taur-ant!
Okay, so the name of the business is Dillard House, one moment while I search for your destination.
(Letís see how you like sitting on hold for 20 minutes.)

S: I need directions and uhÖ
A: Okay, what city is the destination in?
S: Well, Iím currently at Livernois and 15.
A: I know where your vehicle is located, I just need to know what city you want the directions.
S: Itís not in a city.  Itís where Iím currently at.
(So, the destination you are looking for is not located in a city?  Thatís a new one.)

Sometimes, I just feel like being silly.
S: I am looking for (address number) Hidden Lane.
A: I have located that address for you and set up the route so that it is no longer hidden.  Thank you for using OnStar.
S: *Laughing*
(That is what you get for making me take calls, really late at night.)

A: OnStar Center, this is Wolfe speaking.  How can I assist you today?
S: Dial.
A: In order to place a call, you need to press the white phone button and say ďdial.Ē
S: (With emphasis) Diiaal.
A: Sir, in order to place a phone call, you need to press the white phone button before giving that command.
S: UhÖ diiiiaaaal.
A: I will disconnect this call for you, thank you for using OnStar.
(Perhaps I should have spoken to him in his native tongue.  Duh, duh, duuuuuuhÖ.?)

S: Which way are those directions taking me, across what bridge?
A: You are going to take the George Washington Bridge.
S: No, no, they do this to me every year.
(Then, you really should have known that the directions are going to do it again.)
S: I donít want to take that bridge, it takes me an hour outta the way.
A: Sir, the system is designed to give you the fastest possible route based on your vehicles current location at the moment of key press.  There is no way for us to tell the system which roads or bridges to avoid.
S: Oh.
(He said that as if my explanation just explained all the greatest mysteries of the universe.)

A: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?
S: I donít know you that well.
(Did he just imply what I think he implied?)

S: I need to get to (address number) Richman in Newark, New York.
A: I do apologize but I do not have a listing for a Richman in Newark.
S: Itís Richman, as in rich man.
A: I am sorry, but there is not a listing in my database for that.
S: Thatís my home address.
A: I show that we have a different address on file.
S: Oh, wait, itís Raymond.
(Do I even need to comment on this one?  Something about not being able to find his way homeÖ)

S: Can you find me the nearest Quiznoís?
A: I show the nearest Quiznoís is at (address listed) and it is about 13 miles away.
S: No, thatís not right.  Donít you have anything closer, on Bell?
A: I have one listing for a Quiznoís on Bell at (address listed) and they are about 14 miles away.
S: Thatís oneís closer, give me those directions.
(Since when, is 14 miles closer than 13?  Someone failed Math class.)

One Line Gems

This is a list of the One Line Gems.  Needless to say, these are great just because of themselves.

S: Hi, Iím in my car and I need some help.
(Thank you for telling me that you were in your car, because I would have never figured that out on my own.)

S: Iím in my car in (city/state listed) heading (direction listed).
(I am so glad that you told me where you are, because our GPS wonít give us that information.)

S: Did I run out of minutes on my phone?  Because every time I press the button, it starts speaking in French.
(Yeah, you ran out, and thatís how we tell you that youíre out of minutes.)

(With a deep Texan accent)
S: IneedtofindthenearestAmyísIceCream,whoopsIjustfoundit.
(Take a breath?)

S: I want to get to the East Northwest Highway, heading South.
(Want to go where?)

S: Can you tell me how to plug in my PlayStation to the car?
(Ödonít you need a TV for that to work?  If you have one in there, you should know more about that than me.)

S: When I got the digital upgrade, did that add XM Radio to my car?
(Why would upgrading the OnStar system, add XM to your radio?  That doesnít even make sense.)

S: Roadside just came out and jumped my car, because I had a dead battery and now my XM Radio wonít work.
(Can you really be this stupid?)

S: Iím currently sitting in my car and the mirror that you look into, to see in the back of the car, back behind the car, is show me the temperature.
(You had to tell me that you were in the car, looking into the mirror?)

S: I'm looking for a restaurant that's closed.
(Oh God, my head hurts.)

Concept Ideas

I wanted to get some ideas approved from Mission Control for us to start using, but unfortunately they turned them down.  All of them, as if my ideas were not useful.

A: I have run the diagnostic probe on your vehicle and detected one issue.  The issue that was returned was an I.D. Ten T. technical issue.
(Spelled ďID10TĒ and technically, you ARE the issue.)

A: Due to lack of intelligence, OnStar will now disconnect.
(I cannot tell you how many times I could have used this one.)

Disclaimer


All of these calls are real.  Some information may have been lost or intentionally forgotten, but the base of the call is still the same.  Trust me; I could not make these up if I tried.  People truly are this...  unbelievable.  But believe me when I say, "as long as I still work for OnStar, I shall never cease to be amused."  And as long as I continue to record these, neither will you.

Conclusion


Unfortunately, this job sucked more than the pay was worth.  So reluctantly, I had to quit.  Although, after looking back, I really kind of wish I had stuck it out.  This would have made one hell of an amazing book.  And just think of the money I would have made off of all the unsuspecting stupid people.  Hey, it works for other big name companies; why not let it work for me?  I think I deserve at least that much.

Oh, and if you work for Ford or Chrysler or whoever and you want some juicy corporate secrets, the confidentiality forms that I signed were only valid for the year in which I signed them, after which once I left OnStar they became null and void (expiring after one year).  I never signed a non compete form either.  Just a minor loop hole I plan to exploit, so feel free to hit me up!

And if you work for OnStar, GM, or are one of their representing attorneys, kiss my ass.  There is nothing you can do about any of this.  Unless you fire "Lisa the Troll," who is single-handedly trying to bring down OnStar by pissing off everyone that works there.  This wonderful little spot will remain a stain on the Internet.

*Hugs and kisses*