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Salutations
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Welcome to the glorious life of an OnStar Advisor. Where we know what a true idiot is. I can honestly say that I hate stupid people. But, I love the stupid people, who do not know that they are stupid. For example, when someone tries to tell you something, and they are pulling everything right out of their ass. You know that they are lying, but you let them keep going, just to see how stupid they can make themselves look.
When getting directions from OnStar; do not make up your
own directions. We are providing you with the directions to your destination,
stop telling us to go different ways. If you know how to get there, don't ask
us. Furthermore, do not ask us for directions, then ask someone else that you are driving past, for the same directions that we are trying to provide you with. If you have directions from MapQuest, a GPS system in your vehicle, cell phone, friend or passenger, or even from the random person you asked on the street, then don't ask us for directions. If you do not like our directions, do not call us back and ask for them again, when you are just going to ask someone else.
Do not tell me you want the fastest route possible, and
then contradict the route that I am providing you. What the system gives, are the fastest routes possible, based on your vehicle's current location from the moment you pressed the button. Do not tell me that there is a faster way to get
there, because there isn't. Do not tell me about a back way in that is faster, if it
was, the system would show it. There may be a more convenient way, with fewer
maneuvers, but there is not a faster way there. I am OnStar, I know the
fastest way to get somewhere. Now, if you want to calculate in traffic, then you can do that on your own, because at this point in time, that is not an available option to OnStar.
The OnStar system is simple, there are three buttons. To
protect the stupid, those buttons are;
White Phone button: Used to initiate phone calls and a few other commands that are explained in the user manual. While the system is in use,
it will disconnect calls.
Blue OnStar button: Used to contact an OnStar advisor so that you may ask for
assistance. While the system is in use, it will start the "Memo Record" function.
Red Emergency button: Used for emergency situations, at the subscribers
discretion. While the system is in use, it will place another emergency call... I have no idea why.
If you want to record the directions, wait for the advisor to tell you when to start the recording. It is rude to do it, just because you know how to push a button. Even more so if you press it in the middle of when the advisor is talking. If the advisor is anything like me (and consider yourself lucky as hell if they are not) they are going to start asking you multiple other questions and avoid giving you the directions, just because you are impatient. At which point, whenever I feel like it, I will then ask you if you want to record the directions, already knowing full well your answer. Go ahead, push that button before I tell you to and let's see what else I can manage to do to you. "Hello, China?"
Do not attempt to hang up on me, especially if you do not know enough to press the white phone button. Disconnecting the call is done by pressing the white phone
button. Pressing the blue OnStar button will start the "memo record,"
and just makes you look stupid. Although, it does give the advisors something to
laugh about, because we like to count how many "beepers" we can get in
one day. My current record is 38, closest challenger so far is 31.
Furthermore, do not hang up on me after I have provided you service, that is just rude. Advisors may offer you something that is normally not allowed, just because you are nice. Advisors reward courteous behavior, even if you do not notice it, notes are left on the account for other advisors to see. Rude comments will be flagged and noticed. If you are flagged, old comments are reviewed. Allow the advisor to disconnect the call for you, because they may have something important to tell you. Such as, please make sure to make an appointment with your dealer to have that recall addressed. Or that your phones minutes are expiring soon. Hell, they might even be trying to tell you that there was an explosion nearby and you might not want to stick around for too long because the fumes can have the potential chance of killing you. Wait, one less idiot around...? Nevermind my previous statement.
If pushing the button to hang up, does not work the first, second, or third time you push it; it's probably not going to work the following fourth, fifth, sixth, or seventh time. Although, it might work the eighth time, so keep on pushing buttons. On the same note, pressing the red Emergency button, to hang up a call, is just plain stupid, all on its own.
We can not fix your radio. We can not fix your heater/air conditioning. We can not inflate your tires for you. We can not remote start your vehicle. We can not turn off the vehicle if it is stolen, nor would we just because you call us and want us to. So stop asking. We can however, point and laugh at you. Even if you can not see us pointing, take my word for it, we are.
OnStar has this nifty little feature called a Global Positioning System (GPS) installed into the vehicle. It tells us exactly where you are, when you key press in. So as a courteousy to the advisor, stop telling them where you are when you need directions. We already know where you are and in most cases (anytime you want Turn-by-Turn directions) it is completely unnecessary.
OnStar is a great service, however, there are some things that OnStar can not do, and you need to stop asking. OnStar does NOT have movie show times. OnStar does NOT have hotel star ratings. OnStar does NOT have business hours of operation. OnStar does NOT start the vehicle remotely for you.
Now, with all of that in mind, you also need to understand that our system covers the entire United States of America. This includes Alaska and Hawaii, as well as Canada. If by somme chance you want directions or a phone number to a business that is not listed in the system, you need to realize that with businesses and residential homes being built all the time, it is hard to make sure that every single address and phone number is accurate.
We have also never had residential names and phone numbers stored in our system, because a home can be sold 4 times in a year and it is pointless to try and keep up with it. Not to mention, residential information is not a service that we offer for security reasons. So stop lying and telling us that you got the phone number last time you called in. Our system logs every call, automatically, and we can see that you are lying to us.
We are constantly updating our system, but it is possible that a few companies and residential homes address locations have slipped past us. It happens, everyone makes mistakes and as much as I know you are going to hate to hear it, we are not perfect.
*Gasp*
Has the world ended? OnStar is run by human beings and is not perfect? What ever will you do...?
... ... ...
Moving on...
A: What is the address you are trying to get to?
S: My brother's house.
A: What is his address?
S: I don't know, it's off the expressway.
A: Which expressway?
S: The one closes to his house.
A: I need to know which expressway.
S: THE EXPRESSWAY!
(Great, because I'm psychic and I know your brother.)
S: I'm looking for the nearest Boston Market.
A: I have one located near the toll road.
S: I don't want to take the toll road.
A: Not a problem, I have another Boston Market located not too far from your
current location.
S: Can you get me one close to the toll road?
(What?)
For the next call; represents an expressway number, where
the numbers are not relevant so they were not recorded.
S: I want to take to and then take that to and over to to get to my
destination.
A: ... ... ...
A: I've set up your route to your destination. Once we disconnect, turn-by-turn
navigation will begin.
(Our system is not designed to give you your own directions. Our system is designed to give you OUR directions.)
A: You need to take exit number 267, A as in apple. You
may have already passed it up.
S: Don't worry about it, let's just record the directions and I'll figure it
out.
(Right, good luck with that.)
S: We need directions to the nearest hospital.
A: I show that the nearest hospital to your vehicles current location is 24
miles away.
S: Never mind, we'll head back home.
(Yeah, we got a severed arm here, but it's cool, we got some ice, it should be fine.)
S: I've talked to two advisors already and neither of
them can find Shamonix road. Can you find it?
A: I have searched the entire state of New Jersey and I do not have a listing
for that road or anything similar to it.
S: Are you sure?
(No, I'm not.)
S: Can you tell me how to get to Wood Ranch in Camarillo,
California?
A: I have located that destination, are you currently moving or stationary?
S: I just need their phone number.
(Then why ask me how to get there?)
S: I'm looking for Center street in Matawan, New Jersey.
A: I've located Center street and I show that you need to head North on Main
street.
S: No, that's not right. That's in the opposite direction of where I'm heading
right now. I know I'll remember it when I see it.
A: I show that you have to take Main street to get to Center street.
S: No, this whole area's grown up from what I remember. Oh well, you probably
won't be able to help me then. Thank you.
(You are completely right. Why would the guy, who you pay to give you directions, be able to help you?)
S: I think I missed my turn somewhere.
A: Okay, just one moment while I pull up your previous route.
S: What? Why?
A: In order to find out if you missed your turn, I have to know where you are
going.
S: Interstate 4!
A: Okay, just one moment while I search my map for Interstate 4.
S: Alright.
A: I show that you need to continue heading North on Interstate 75 for about 40
miles.
S: What? No, that ain't right. I just passes it.
A: Just one moment while I follow Interstate 4 back to Interstate 75.
S: Fine
A: Alright, I show that you need to head South on Interstate 75 for about 30
miles...
S: What? No, you're wrong. I just passed it by like, 5 miles. I'm gonna pull
over and get a map. You're doing something wrong. I just passed it by 5 miles.
A: Thank you for using OnStar.
(I wish I could see the look on your face when you realize just how stupid you are.)
S: Can you get me to the Outer Bridge?
A: I do not have a listing for an Outer Bridge.
S: What about somewhere near there?
A: ... ... ...
S: You know what, why don't I just give you my address?
(Yeah, why don't you?)
S: Can you get me to Cheddars restaurant?
A: One moment.. I have located Cheddars Casual Cafe. Is this the correct location?
S: No
A: Okay, what kind of restaurant is Cheddars?
S: A food restaurant!
(Apparently he was not aware that restaurants sell food, and I wanted to know what type of food restaurant they are. Since we have none here.)
S: I need to find the nearest FedEx and Kinkos to my
current location.
A: Just one moment while I search my database.
S: Okay, I'm sitting in a parking lot right now.
A: Do you see Main street from that parking lot?
S: Yes, it's right in front of me.
A: Okay, look across the street and you should be able to see the store.
S: Oh...I, uh...
(Yeah, you should have. I have now located the nearest optometrist to your current location.)
S: I'm trying to get to Outback Steakhouse in New Bern,
but I don't want to go across the bridge.
A: I have located the Outback Steakhouse in New Bern and I show the only way to
get there is to take the bridge.
S: Okay, how do I do that?
(Get into auto-vehicular-machine and go vroom-vroom over bridge.)
S: I need the phone number Moose Lodge in Glen Burnie.
A: I have a Moose Lodge in Sparrows Point and Annapolis but not in Glen Burnie.
S: Never mind, I have their number.
(Good, then leave me alone.)
S: I need to get to East Village in New York.
A: I do not have a listing for that city.
S: It's a nickname, you know what? Never mind, I know how to get there.
(Then... why are you calling me?)
S: The 'Change Oil' light turned on. What does that mean?
A: It means that you need to change the oil as soon as possible,
S: Okay, I'll do it Monday.
(Bare in mind, today is Saturday and there is plenty of time left in the day to get an oil change.)
S: I'm looking for a restaurant that's closed.
A: ... ... ...
(Oh God, my head hurts.)
S: We're trying to get to Six Flags in Helena.
A: (They're 0.1 miles away) Okay, all you have to do is look left.
S: Oh my God, how did you do that?
(I am a demon who possesses the power to move continents and souls, from one location to the other by... utilizing... my, uh... you know what? It's just easier to say "because you're an idiot," that's how.)
Actual case comments that were to be left on the account:
Sub is having issues with his DIC and declined CAC
(CAC is Customer Assistance Center. Just say it out loud and see if anyone snickers.)
S: I need to get to Peachtree Industrial Boulevard.
A: Okay, I show that you need to stay straight on this road. It will change
names three times before you get to Peachtree Industrial Boulevard.
S: Can I turn down another street?
(Only if you don't want to get there.)
S: Can you tell me the fastest way to get to Glebe
street?
A: (I read her the entire set of directions on how to get there quickly)
S: Doesn't Interstate 395 go to Glebe?
A: Yes, but that will approximately add an additional 20 minutes to your total
driving time.
S: Okay, so I can take 395 straight there, thanks.
(What happened to wanting the fastest route?)
S: I'm trying to find (some address) on Ball road.
A: (Searches) I show that you are .026 miles away.
S: Where is it?
(You're standing in their front yard, genius!)
A: Would you like to record these directions?
S: Yes
A: Whenever you're ready, go ahead and press the blue OnStar button.
S: ... (ACW)
(ACW means After Call Work, the Sub just pressed the white button.)
(Because, you know, the white phone button and the blue OnStar button look sooo similar.)
A: Is there anything else I can assist you with?
S: Corn beef sandwich, heavy on the mustard.
A: We're still working on that. The mustard keeps expiring, but the meat stays
fresh.
(Seriously, why would you ask me that?)
S: Wow, this is really cool, how do you guys always know
where I'm at?
A: We have a really tall tower and really strong binoculars.
S: Woah... really?
(Yes really. And gullible is not in the dictionary.)
A: OnStar Center, this is Wolfe. How can I assist you today?
S: Call
A: If you would like to place a call, all you have to do is press the white phone button and issue that command again.
S: *Beep*
A: I will disconnect the call for you.
S: (ACW)
(Nevermind)
A: My cigarette lighters aren't working; can you run a diagnostic for me?
S: The GM Good Wrench Remote Diagnostics Probe will not check the cigarette lighters.
A: Can it check the fuses for my cigarette lighter?
(This guy must be dying for a smoke.)
S: I'm looking for the Center Street Grill.
Woman in car: Center Street Deli.
A: I have located the Center Street Cafe.
Both: Oh...
(Rock beats stupid people, I win.)
S: Do you want to run a diagnostics on my phone?
A: (Not really) I can perform the GM Good Wrench Remote Diagnostics Probe on your vehicle.
S: No, not my car. My cell phone.
A: Okay, if you are having issues with your cell phone, you would actually need to contact your service provider.
S: You guys are my service provider.
A: Are you referring to the Hands Free Calling unit inside your vehicle?
S: Yeah, they was supposed to do it earlier, but I didn't have the time.
A: I do apologize, but at the moment our technical assistance team is closed.
S: Alright, I'll hold.
A: ... ... ...
A: Sir, they are currently closed.
S: So, you can't transfer me?
(Oh, wait,yeah, I can transfer you to our closed department, please hold.)
Created and updated since: January 11, 2007 © Wolfe Masters
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